"Call E, she might be able to help you solve all your problems instantly." Let me promise you that if I could wield this power and solve the world's evils, I would. But I can't.
Part of this assumption made by others is that I really try hard to be calm and compassionate and to be kind in order to appear professional. Often when faced with too much nasty from someone else I, fall apart once in privacy. I spend a good portion of my time listening to other people talk about their problems and thus helping them feel less stressed about them. Beyond that I am powerless. A lot of times, I can only listen. By this I just mean that I can't change your paycheck or how your kids behave or the fact that your grandma has cancer. In fact, powerless is how some of my own problems make me feel too.
Sometimes, when I am not reminding myself constantly about all the beauty and love in my life, that powerless feeling creeps in even closer and starts to take over. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I don't want to speak. Sometimes I want to just scream. And every once in a while the feeling gets amplified just a little bit by some disappointing event or hurtful comment and I wonder if I even want to breath.
Please accept my genuine promise that I have no intent to hurt myself. As someone trained in psychology, my logical brain takes over here and reminds me that what I'm experiencing is just a bit of the blues or a patch of depression. Everyone hits a patch of it from time to time. Sometimes it's caused by stress or loss or unfortunate events. Sometimes it's caused by hormones or lifestyle or substances. Sometimes it's just habit to see the glass half empty.
It becomes more than a bit or a patch when this type of sadness continues for weeks or months or years.
I just had a baby about 9 months ago. A boy. My second boy. Both my kids are awesome. My blues have been pretty constant since then. It's a lot to adjust from caring for and being responsible for yourself and one child to caring for multiple children. People around me seem to be avoiding discussing it with me and no one seems to know what to say or do to help. My family and friends just avoid talking about this elephant in the room, my unpredictable mood and my extreme negativity and sadness at times. Instead they tell me about birthday parties and life events, which makes me feel worse. When asked how I'm doing, it's clear they expect a polite "Okay."
Today I happened upon an online game. It's called Elude. It was created with one idea in mind - to help families and friends of a depressed person understand depression and what it feels like. It is brilliantly created. While it is a little depressing to play, it definitely depicts exactly what a cycle of depression feels like. It is constant and debilitating and scary. And it is so real for the person living it, even if it's makes no sense to those around them.
This is one of those cool tools I periodically come across that I forget if I don't write them down in some way. It can be found here: http://gambit.mit.edu/loadgame/summer2010/elude_play.php
I was really impressed with how it depicts this terrible condition and even shows how despite effort to overcome, it can just leave you feeling helpless.
Here's more info on depression, what it is, and how to help- http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/index.shtml
If you or a loved one is feeling blue and can't seem to turn it around, please know that depression is a serious condition and should not be ignored. Ask for help, or encourage someone who seems blue to seek help too.
As for me, I'm chalking my current blues up as some delayed Postpartum. Granted its a serious form of depression in its own right and I'm by no means trying to minimize its impact, but after struggling through it alone for a few months I opened up to my hubby and he has been wonderful with helping me keep perspective lately. He gently reminds me that we are okay and that I am loved and that I have to hold it together for our kids. I am still having really blue moments, but I'm hanging tight and I know if it gets any worse where to go to get help.
My number one strategy when the road gets tough is to try to get one of my babies to giggle. Laughter really is the best medicine.
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